It were a grim day on the Foreland, the clouds had a heavy dull greyness about them, you could feel the weight of the water in the heavens about to download onto the waiting heads of those gathered to hear the latest news from head office.
‘It costs a lot of money turning sewerage into something non-icky’. Said Mr Said a spokesperson for a local utility company somewhere in Northforelandshire
“We’re very sorry” continued spokesperson Said.
“We’ve had a tough year. That money you give us each month via direct debit; well it just ain’t enough to cover costs of turning doings into non-doings. What we need is an increase in earnings before we can make a hole in ground any bigger, and as for the pumps, well the crossbeam is forever going out of skew on the treadle and badly needs replacement but that’s far too technical for people like you to understand, these things cost money y’know, and money is sorely lacking in the water supply business’. Only last month our chairman had to make do with the smallest of brand new Jaguars to ferry him from one meeting with shareholders to the next, and those meetings were held in only the lowliest five start hotels in Dubai and Hong Kong, very meagre rations indeed, i think you’ll all agree.”
At this point one scoundrel from a local village rudely raised their hands in the air, interupting the flow of interesting and informative information emitting from the humble representative.
The gentlemen in question was a Mr Higgins from Broadstairs “Excuse me” said the rude serf. “Didnt you make about a Gazillion Billion pounds profit just the other year?”
“In answer to that Ill informed question” Mr Said retorted “Don’t be a ridiculous buffoon, it was but a meagre one hundred and twenty six million profit, nowhere near as much as you suggest; Guards, take that man away and drown him”
“But my lord” replied the gruff, unshaven and sweaty looking six foot lackey in the grubby overalls. “Water costs twenty quid a bucket now, can’t we just pump him out to sea with all the other crap, y’know, like we normally do”
“Good point; take that man away and pump ‘im out to sea”
“Anyway, where was I, ……Ah yes, it looks like a fine drizzle is setting in ladies and gentlemen, Er, Im afraid i’ll have to retire inside now as, er, we’ve got some, err, terribly important paperwork to complete” And with that Mr Said dissappered to within the inner sanctum of North Forelandfordshire.
The fine drizzle now started to descend more rapidly, changing into a mild drizzle.
Meanwhile, Somewhere on a beach
Miss Dowra and her brave fellow Clancy are picnicking on a beach, having already parked their sign-written van on double yellows,……… it’s almost as if they’re waiting for something.
“Clancy, Oh Clancy, wherever are you Mr Clancy” ventured a pretty young thing searching high and low for her beau.
“Worry not your pretty little head Miss Docwra, I am a coming to see you now” came the firm and steady reply from a wirey yet muscular chap wearing a flowing white shirt with braces, revealing a triangle of firm toned chest.
“Oh Clancy, There you are, we’ve just had a call from a Mr Said, he warns us to be on the lookout for anything afloating past, he says we’d better do better than last time or it’s a horsewhippin’ for us both”
“Not again Miss Dowra, dont you pay that man no nevermind, nobody ain’t touching a pretty hair on your head, now get those thick rubber gloves on and brink yer bucket, there’s doings to be collected”
“Just wait but a moment Clancy, there’s another call coming in from Mr Said”
,….Hello, what can i do for you sir, it’s Miss Dowra here……..What? Stop what we’re doing and go home? Why sir, we surely will, we’ll make a long weekend of it, maybe go to the beach and enjoy the great British summer by the seaside, though not round here, there’s crap all over the beach y’know”. And with that she hung up.
“Well Clancy, looks like we gotta stop”
“But Why Miss Dowra, why on earth would he make us do a cotton-pickin’ thing like that”
“He says, dish out some hosepipes and buckets to the local serfdom, not only can they clean it up, but we can charge them for the water they use doing so now the meters are installed; Oh happy days Clancy”
“Happy days indeed” said Mr Said to another sullen employee as he gave the pump another kick….Just as the rain got heavier